Most of us live out our relationship struggles privately. No matter how bad things get, we pretend to the outside world that all is well, prevented by shame from confiding in other people about our distress. Caught by the secrecy that surrounds destructive relationships, we have no way of knowing how many other women are also trapped, silent and alone, in similar situations. We also have no way of knowing that our bewildering personal experience is part of a wider picture. While each of our situations is unique, there are strikingly similar patterns of behavior which run through most accounts of controlling relationships.
Standing back to see our situation in the wider context can be enlightening and empowering. This chapter explores the common threads which are found in controlling relationships. It looks at the way control develops; the cycle of abuse; the attitudes and beliefs about male superiority that controlling men frequently hold; and the ways in which our conditioning as women interacts with this. It also looks at society's role in condoning abuse, and the myths surrounding abusive relationships
How has this happened?
One of the most difficult aspects of coming to terms with a controlling relationship is the realization that life with your partner has turned out so differently from what you expected when you decided to share it with him. How did a relationship which once promised so much deteriorate so badly? For many women the process is similar.
The heavenly honeymoon
The beginning of the relationship is usually happy and romantic. Many controlling men are particularly charming and entertaining and appear to be caring and attentive.